Thursday, July 01, 2010

Liberals 12-Step Recovery Program

(Editor's Note: A friend sent me this, and I thought it was funny enough to post. So no matter what political persuasion you are — liberal or conservative — hopefully it will bring a smile to your face. I know the conservatives are smugly grinning, but hopefully, the liberals have enough of a sense of humor to laugh at themselves a little as well.)

Are you troubled by liberalism?  Not sure why your brain works the way it does?  Fear not!   

Join Liberals Anonymous and recover your brain with this quick and easy 12-step program:          

Step 1: Admit that you're a liberal.

This is the first step for every liberal on the way to recovery.  It is important to understand that you're not  "moderate"  or  "enlightened." 
You're a liberal, and you need to be honest with yourself about that fact.

Step 2: Pledge to support your beliefs with facts.

Realize that truth is more important than moral superiority and is the only way to come over to reality.  You must research beyond propaganda from the Sierra Club, Hillary Clinton, Obama, MSNBC and CNN to understand things as they really exist in the world. You can no longer argue based on "feelings" or emotions. You will actually need to back up your arguments with real, accurate, and true facts. This is a difficult step because it means you can't be lazy with the truth and actutal accuracy any more.

Step 3: Love America.

This may be the most difficult step for those of you who are terrified of being envied by those who hate America for its freedom and prosperity. Admitting that America actually stands as a beacon to defend freedom throughout the world, rather than deserving of hate may make some of you physically ill. You might want to make a visit to a military cemetery to better understand that these men and women gave their lives so that you could apologize for your country's existence. Stop apologizing to every one envious of America, and start loving America and our Constitution.

Step 4: Take a college level economics class.

A Socialist is defined as someone who's never taken an economics class. Most Socialists have a hard time balancing their checkbooks, let alone explaining the simple concept of supply-and-demand. It's time to flush your complete ignorance of basic economics down the toilet and understand how the world actually functions. This concept will be very important for the next steps that involve communism, facts about corporations, and the inefficiencies of government.

Step 5: Just say "NO" to Communism, Socialism, Marxism, Nazism, Fascism and Stateism.

While this concept is obvious to most of the free world, it is an important step in your recovery process. If you have difficulty with this step, spend a month living and working in Cuba.

Step 6: Corporations are not evil.

If you're reading this article on-line or in an email, it's thanks to a corporation. If you get some kind of paycheck, you can thank corporations. If you work for a nonprofit or the government, you still have to thank corporations, because the nonprofit sector and the government wouldn't have any money to pay you without them. It is also very important that you understand that making a profit doesn't equate to "greed" or exploitation. Capitalism has created the greatest society in our world's history. Even communist countries need corporations to survive... so enjoy a nice, hot cup of corporate reality.

Step 7: The government is inefficient.

If you are one of those liberals who believe the government should tax us more in order to take care of society, you need to pay special attention to this step. You need to realize that government bureaucracy will waste most of your tax dollars, while the private sector will put your money to much better, more efficent use. Even most Democratic politicians understand this to some degree, and come to them for campaign donations and which is why Hillary's socialist healthcare proposal was voted down by a majority of both Democrats and Republicans. Go to your local post office, or call the IRS to ask a tax question if you need a reminder about government inefficiency.

Step 8: The earth is not your "Mother," and she's not dying.

The time has now come to stop your donations to Greenpeace, The Sierra Club, Futurewise, and every other EnviroNazi organization to which you belong. Face the reality that the earth, society and our environment are better off today than ever in recorded history and that they are continuing to improve. Many of you tree huggers will have a very difficult time letting go of the Douglas Fir on this one. Reading The Skeptical Environmentalist by Bjorn Lomborg will help. Mr. Lomborg is a former member of Greenpeace and is currently a statistics professor at a university in Denmark. He set out to prove the world was in bad shape and ended up surprising himself by proving the exact opposite.

Step 9: Stop smoking weed.

Okay, some of you might need to enter another 12-step program to complete this step. Marijuana is distorting your sense of reality, and you need to stop using it. Besides, you'll save a fortune on munchies, and lose some weight too.

Step 10: Eat a hamburger.

If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat. You can put your sprouts and tofu on the hamburger, but get some meat into you. You'll look and feel better than you ever imagined. Remember that "vegetarian" is a Sioux Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

Step 11: Stop re-writing political history...  (revisionist history is evil.  Be honest and accurate, especially about history... American and world history)

It's now time to admit that Bill Clinton is a lying-cheating-sexist-racist-rapist jackass, Hillary Clinton is one of the worst role models for women in this country, Al Gore is full of crap about global warming and really did lose the 2000 election by every vote tabulation you attempt, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and didn't create the homeless problem, John McCain is not a typical Republican, and Jimmy Carter is an anti-Semite with one of the worst presidential records of any President in history.

Step 12: Be a missionary.

Once you have completed the previous steps to overcoming liberalism, it's time for you to share this awakening with others who are not as fortunate. Go out amongst the liberal sheep and spread the good word of your freedom from the chains of ignorance and the fear of being envied that once bound you.   

Congratulations, and Welcome to Reality!

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